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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Nape lelaki kawin lambat ?

This article also available in Malay version

Malaysians are getting married at older age. Why?

Let me give an example.

It is a little bit long example. If you want to skip it, there is a summary at the end.
Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier
as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank.

Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will
give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with
your budget, so you save about RM5000.

The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you
plan to get married after one year or two. Ok, that's fine, it gives you
time to save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic
necessities for a 'happy' family? a car and a roof to live under. That year
because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%.

Since you are also a gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside to spend on dates and
gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the previous year, after much sweat and Meggie-eating months, you save another RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So, another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is RM14,000. You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car down payment. So, you net saving that year is RM6000.

The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because now you have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is cut down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No bonus that year because your company is doing poor. So, your total saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500 is spent on ring plus 'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year is RM9,500.

The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your
salary now is 1.5 of your starting salary at the company. Good news! You think. "Ok, this year
I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already. :)

So, you ask your fiancée "how much is the dowry (hantaran)? "
She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup".
You ask,"RM5000 ok?".
She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I ni mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000 tau!".

Your eyes 'terjegil', air liur 'meleleh' and you faint on the spot.
"Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you say to yourself. But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream girl and in the name of love, you work really really hard that year until you are awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3 months of bonus. You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen. So, roughly your net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.
Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for the dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak kawin ni mesti la buat grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput penyanyi ke artis ke sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik
dan mahal-mahal sket. Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?"

You did a quick in-the-head-calculation,
"1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin lagi!!"
You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?"
Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin sekali je seumur hidup.
`Biarlah buat betul-betul." You insist,"Tapi mak?"
Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak. Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik kecik?".

Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long. You have debts around your waist, interest gets higher every month, cannot afford to pay them, you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she accuses you of being irresponsible husband for not being a good provider, blah blah blah? At the
end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.
Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is failing in our country.
The above example may not represent the whole phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the problems young couple these days are facing in getting married from my perspective.

The Root Cause of The Problem...
There is something wrong in our culture. I really think there are some practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture specifically) that do not make sense and especially they are contrary to the teaching of Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that
unfortunately because of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can afford. These are some of my observation and summary analysis:

(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia, it is ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding is the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason why people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money for a wedding.

(2) The "price" of a woman is measured not according to her perhaps educational status but according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen as suggested by the religion.  'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps the Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put too high and men can't afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to build another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or perhaps destroyed only for this reason.

(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple not hard,
which eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so complicated that people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the Sydney, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting married at the mosque, with just some sweets as the main course for the guests. The guests who were invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some close relatives and friends. There
is no point of being extravagance. We should focus on the life after wedding not the wedding
itself. Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spent a lot of money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the house is then left empty, dark and unattractive?

...and the pressure is on men...

This article also available in Malay version

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68 comments:

Anonymous said...

wah...btolla...asal pk kawen je..pk byk duit nk kne pkai..cmtu smpai sudah r xkawen =(

Nina Nurziana said...

tuh la dia... haih~ :(

Anonymous said...

Hye, i shared ur post in my FB..Sorry cuz i post 1st b4 ask 4 permission..

http://www.facebook.com/?sk=messages&tid=1622418038165#!/notes/murshidi-bin-marzuki/why/156828204336629

Anonymous said...

nice post..btuahnye bF awk kn..hehe

Anonymous said...

Similar issue worldwide .. especially for people from traditionally/culturally 'islamic' countries ..

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH2nNt1s5pk>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH2nNt1s5pk</a>

the new converts in the US and UK tend to get it right .. compared to those who were born in a muslim family in a country of muslims who have been traditionally muslims for centuries ..

Anonymous said...

izin share..=)

Anonymous said...

mohon share..

fareast said...

nice article there...

haris khairuddin said...

salam ziarah.
sangat setuju dgn posting ni...kdg2 hantaran n persiapan kahwin melampau tinggi..last2 bebankan pihak lelaki...padahal hantaran xde dlm islam pun..

Adlan said...

salam. well said. yeah. its kinda true. that's the scenario in Malaysia. I also quite envy for those people / students who studied oversea.

they were exposed of easy way to get married. no wonder oversea students can get married earlier than their friends in Malaysia.

one more thing, there should be a mutual understanding between the bride/bridegroom with their parents. avoid extravagant at all cost!

peace & wassalam

Hazlan said...

hei there, im going to share ur post on my FB...mintak izin yer. nice issue.

Lisaedora said...

Well .. tu sbb ramai pasangan ambil keputusan xnak kahwin tapi bersekedudukan .. stay sama2 cam laki bini .. senang .. kalau kahwin macam2 nak fikir .. esok lusa bosan blah la .. x payah turun naik mahkamah nak settle cerai berai .. puncanya sebab melayu sangat pentingkan majlis besar-besaran .. kecik2 xnak .. so yang muda2 ni suka la ambil cara mudah .. nak salahkan siapa ??

Anonymous said...

majlis besar-besaran xde masalah pun..tgk kepada kemampuan individu/pasangan masing-masing. ada je yang berkemampuan memilih berkahwin secara sederhana. Ini terserah kepada individu/pasangan masing-masing sejauh mana kepuasan yang ingin mereka peroleh di hari bahagia mereka.
sepatutnya, xnak berkahwin bukannya alasan untuk bersekedudukan langsung. lagipun kenapa nak mengutamakan yang haram dari yang halal. Mentaliti seperti inilah yang kita sepatutnya elakan. sebenarnya, kalau difikirkan majlis perkahwinan adalah simbolik untuk ke arah hubungan yang halal disisi agama dan ini mendorong mereka yang belum berkahwin memilih untuk berkahwin juga daripada hidup bersekedudukan. Jodoh dan pertemuan di tangan tuhan, takut atau cerai berai selepas kahwin bukan alasan untuk tidak berkahwin. hanya pendapat..je.T.Q
great post,btw...

Anonymous said...

Izin Share... :))

oNe said...

Inilah dilema yg dihadapi oleh sorang lelaki. Berusaha menjadi seorang lelaki yg btanggungjwb tetapi di nilai sebaliknya oleh orang lain.

Apa yg blaku di ats boleh kira bnasib baik sbb lelaki itu dpt kerja. Belum kes yg belum bkerja dan kerja tetapi dibayar gaji yg tidak stimpal? Selepas itu ditinggalkan oleh kekasih sebab menanti terlalu lama. Memang jatuh di timpa tangga.

Jika sekarang kita cuba mewajibkan bg pasangn yg hendak bkahwin mgikuti kursus. Tetapi mgkin pada masa depan kita boleh dan mengalakkan pihak keluarga pasangan tersbut untuk menghadiri kursus juga untuk mgtahui erti perkahwinan dalam Islam yg sebnarnya.

cahaya said...

salam eid mubarak

izin share :)

Nina Nurziana said...

to all.. kalau nak share. amik je.. its ok.. asalkan.. letak link blog saye kat fb/blog anda.

thanks all for reading ;)

MISELnamapendek said...

hey Nina, well written, every bit of your writings is just so agreeable. like people hv been thinking of this secara kasar and u just describe it perfectly. Btw, I read this post from a link of a link in FB, baru jumpa root hehe. MInta izin share from a random reader. =)

CT Rosni said...

Totally agree with it....nice article...

Nadya Summer said...

well said nina. and im 'living' it at the mo, tho i must say its not mine. but, it does put me through hell, too. hope this message gets to the people's head, not just ours. and again, well said.

and yup. me too would like to share. :)

f.i.e.z.a said...

salam nina.read this frm fb.ada org tag.
well said!

me n my bf baru jek sembang hal kawen2 ni n mmg complicated.boleh tak kalo buat simple2 jek yg penting life pas kawen tu.nak dok mana, kalo ada baby terus in a yr how to handle lagi kan
semua nak duit.

kalo ada duit juta2 mmg x payah pk.sapa xnak kawen grand2 ye tak?

;)

Nina Nurziana said...

thanks all for reading...

nih baru kenapa lelaki kawin lambat..

ade banyak lagi consequences yang bole menyebabkan keruntuhan keharmonian masyarakat nih.

kadang2 budaya boleh membunuh.

tcare people.

NamanyaSaya said...

best2!mmg semuanya betul2 belaka. agreed!!!

Anonymous said...

mohon share

Anonymous said...

Well said dear... i totally agreed!

semy said...

nice article...klick share

vandread said...

owh saya mewakili kaum adam sangatlah setuju

khairul farhan said...

sangat setuju dengan anda miss nina oi

Anonymous said...

mintak izin nk share dlm fb..

kufik said...

Learn n tk examples on the life of Prophet Muhammad saw regarding on any matters. We'll not find any foolish, wasted act netc. Insyaallah.

Anonymous said...

best post ever :)

cikun said...

mintak izin share;)

zool said...

yup berikut antara beberapa sebab kenapa kawin lambat..
amat setuju..


dari..

lelaki yang masih belum kawin2 ..

nizam6281 said...

Memang Post terbaik!

MUHAMMAD said...

hermm good analysis..it's a culture..we have to avoid it..

amElyn said...

i love this one!
kumakikaeamelyn.blogspot.com
follow u dear!

nurul iftitah a.k.a ifti da' toteq said...

nice entry...yeah! :)

Raulf said...

ada je kawin awal. jgn la nak spend byk2 hanya utk majlis kawen.

dari segi kewangan, kawin awal lebih bagus, boleh join loan.

sebenarnya banyak point utk kawen awal hanya trend zaman moden terutama orang yang tinggal di bandar.

penaberkala said...

nice one
bersetuju dgn pandangan anda

kebahagiaan rumahtangga bukan terletak pada majlis kahwin atau nilai wang hantaran
kebahagiaan hadir dari kerendahan dan keikhlasan hati

tapi, dah trend skang macam tuh
susah jugak lah
naik bimbang gak nih,haha
few years left to collect and save money

Anonymous said...

What you wrote just gave me hope .

Anonymous said...

awak, sgt agree! saye pon nak share kat fb saye k.. mintak izin n mintak halal.. thanks

Anonymous said...

good writer! keep work.

ザ-sylver-shooter said...

kesian orng pompuan, nk blaja tinggi-tinggi pun kene pikir dalam-dalam, takut nnti orang gayat nk masuk line...hmm

btw, most of oversea's grad, especial girl, kahwen dgn yng oversea's grad guy gak..jrng lak dengar yng sebaliknya..

Anonymous said...

patot bg parents2 yg bace nih...baru dorg paham nape anak pompuan dorg xkawen2 even da tua n da lame kapel ngn laki tuh...haha

Anonymous said...

emm..betol3..kite kena sepatotnye wat ikut kemampuan aje.

Anonymous said...

Salam
mintak izin copy post ini.
Fizzi

Anonymous said...

Salam,
mohon izin share this article. mmg sgt cliche in msia. i'm somewhere in between too. :(

Anyway, nicely said :)

Habib Bin Ab Mukmin said...

Rubbish,dubious and has so many flaws.

You heard too many stories, then tried to find a logic to that problem.

SAEED said...

Thank you for this really reality and its very sad to happen, if i am talking about my self i am not Malaysian but i am staying in Malaysia and i saw what you say in different countries specially in Midle east countries , i was hoping that Malaysia to be better than those countries but no different here as you said " why we focus on the weeding it self and didn't think and focus about the life after the weeding day" you can see its just one day we called " weeding day" but we suffer for that day more than maybe whole of the marriage life ...

Thanks so much for this nice words, happy to be here in your world...

muz said...

Nasib baik aku xtergolong dlm dilema ni, 1st gaji dh 7k~ haha tp still x kawin2 gk xde calon. everybody got their own problems

Nina Nurziana said...

thanks all for sharing.
i have the malay version as well ;)

ImanCo said...

The WOW effect...lol... mintak izin kongsi di blog, i'll provide ur link.. and the malay version too!!

4 me, the dowry part is not the main problem.. it is the mind of following the rat race... i mean.. working...

if we start do business, that's not a prob at all... 9/10 come from business right?

me, myself do business even though, i came from a poor n still following the rat race ... and i'm very optimist in it..

give me 1 year, n u will see me Rm1 million richer than today.. ameen...

ImanCo said...

lupe plak nak tick followup coment.. huhuhu

abdullah said...

mampus..xnak la ak kawin dgn prempuan mlayu mcm ni..membazir

nurse @n!$ said...

dunt blindly follow da adat
wat takat mampu jek
nak pakai dut banyak after da majlis kawen not during it

izzabelle said...

salam nina...

already shared it on my blog, together with the link. ;p
TQ!

neway, berbelanjalah secara bijak!

Anonymous said...

nice post. mohon share ya :D

General Juhziz said...

tersangat lah betol!!!!!!! huhuhu..dilemma yg dihadapi oleh rakyat marhaen sepertiku yg bergelar lelaki..

writer do a very good observation :)

sang luna said...

terbaik, penuh kebenaran. i read it through fb, from a link of a friend and eventually that lead me here. hehe mohon share yah! :))

IzzaH si pari pari said...

tQ nina~

also read it thru fb.
membuka mata & minda sy kpd 'penderitaan' tunang sy rite now.
poor him.huhu~

*mintak kebenaran utk share ya cik nina =)

Nina Nurziana said...

thanks guys. i hope we wont make hard time to someone that we love, just to please our parent. remember that our love one has parent too.. and together, you guys will be in a big happy family. lets do the win-win situation :)

i just published on "nape kawin" today, if you guys interested to read. thanks again.

Puppet Koyak said...

hey, i just found out about ur article here shared by someone in my facebook contact. i seek for ur permission to share this. :)

anyway, i've agreed on this matter since like always was. n i do believe on the life after marriage.that's more to it than the marriage itself. anyway, thanx for sharing your thoughts. :)
glad that someone is in the same boat as me.:)

swiftme said...

nice writing!! i am amazed by the way u point the facts out of the mind box.. keep it up k!! btw, allow me share this entry.. i hope it will enlighten people out there on the wrong belief of marriage..

appledia said...

Nicely done!Just love this entry^_^
How i wish our 'elder' generation could 'open' their heart,mind and look into this thing rationally rather than emotionally.

Nina Nurziana said...

apple & puppet - yes you can share. dont forget to put my link ya ;)

appledia - yes. but different people have different views and perspective.
this is what i think. :)

HazirahMahadzir said...

hye Nina.
mintak izin share di Facebook ya?
artikel yg menarik! :)

Nina Nurziana said...

hazirah. bole :)

letak link sy skali taw :)

Rebelle Me said...

duit adalah punca masalah..
melainkan parents sudi nak sponsor..
(: